TheLegendsLeague

One of the most open conversations I’ve had in a very long time happened last night with my homegirl cris. This is the dialogue exactly as it happened.

be:
I wish my parents had homes I could move into man.
I wish.

cris:
??

be:
So I could persue my shit properly.
I can’t afford my dreams and my rent and my bills.

cris:
I feel you.

be:
My mom lives with my cousins and their fam and my pops lives in someone’s basement.

cris:
I don’t know what to say, that just crushed me.

be:
??
Why

cris:
I believe you’ll never stop.

be:
I probably won’t.

cris:
I know
I don’t want you to either.

be:
I’m not sure what to do with this writing thing though.
I’m really scared…
about dying now that I don’t want to be dead.

When you’re suicidal you’re pretty fearless.
Because the end of your life would actually be quite fulfilling.
Now that I feel more recognition for my life I’m worried that I’ll die before I can do what needs to be done.

Don’t get me wrong, because this isn’t the romanticized version of thinking I’ll die young like all the greats. It’s the fear that time is actually against me.

I design clothing to fulfill a few aspects of my creative vision - as a designer and as someone who enjoys some of the fair vanities that come with making some money. But I also do it because I know it will provide me with money. Money to continue to write, and at some point, live without the burden of someone else’s clock.

cris:
You really have that fear? Do you still have those thoughts?
There is a reason you’re still here.
Many I’m sure of it.

be:
When the time comes that designing has paid me enough that I can live to write - I’m finished.
And I’ll feel my purpose has been served.

cris:
Look how far you’ve come with LL and Ideall as a whole.
Your determination and focus.
So many people feel you.

be:
But because there are steps to take - so many of them - before this all happens, I’m worried that I’ll pass before I can do what I’ve always dreamt of doing. And that’s writing this book.

cris:
I have no doubt in my mind that people will react the same to your writing.

Well why do you feel like that? Is it because you were suicidal? Or because you still are?
What is it in you that makes you feel that way?

be:
I’ve always felt like this.
I never thought I’d live passed my early 20’s.

cris:
I don’t think you’re done.
No where near done.

be:
I’m definitely not done. I’ll know when I am.
And it has everything to do with this book.

But I’m not suggesting that I’m suicidal and thinking of taking my own life.
I’m sure my life will just take itself away unannounced.

We’ll just have to see I guess.
…

thanks cris.

Brought to you by: be.