I’m StiLL Scared… smh.
by be.
One of the most open conversations I’ve had in a very long time happened last night with my homegirl cris. This is the dialogue exactly as it happened.
be:
I wish my parents had homes I could move into man.
I wish.
cris:
??
be:
So I could persue my shit properly.
I can’t afford my dreams and my rent and my bills.
cris:
I feel you.
be:
My mom lives with my cousins and their fam and my pops lives in someone’s basement.
cris:
I don’t know what to say, that just crushed me.
be:
??
Why
cris:
I believe you’ll never stop.
be:
I probably won’t.
cris:
I know
I don’t want you to either.
be:
I’m not sure what to do with this writing thing though.
I’m really scared…
about dying now that I don’t want to be dead.
When you’re suicidal you’re pretty fearless.
Because the end of your life would actually be quite fulfilling.
Now that I feel more recognition for my life I’m worried that I’ll die before I can do what needs to be done.
Don’t get me wrong, because this isn’t the romanticized version of thinking I’ll die young like all the greats. It’s the fear that time is actually against me.
I design clothing to fulfill a few aspects of my creative vision – as a designer and as someone who enjoys some of the fair vanities that come with making some money. But I also do it because I know it will provide me with money. Money to continue to write, and at some point, live without the burden of someone else’s clock.
cris:
You really have that fear? Do you still have those thoughts?
There is a reason you’re still here.
Many I’m sure of it.
be:
When the time comes that designing has paid me enough that I can live to write – I’m finished.
And I’ll feel my purpose has been served.
cris:
Look how far you’ve come with LL and Ideall as a whole.
Your determination and focus.
So many people feel you.
be:
But because there are steps to take – so many of them – before this all happens, I’m worried that I’ll pass before I can do what I’ve always dreamt of doing. And that’s writing this book.
cris:
I have no doubt in my mind that people will react the same to your writing.
Well why do you feel like that? Is it because you were suicidal? Or because you still are?
What is it in you that makes you feel that way?
be:
I’ve always felt like this.
I never thought I’d live passed my early 20′s.
cris:
I don’t think you’re done.
No where near done.
be:
I’m definitely not done. I’ll know when I am.
And it has everything to do with this book.
But I’m not suggesting that I’m suicidal and thinking of taking my own life.
I’m sure my life will just take itself away unannounced.
We’ll just have to see I guess.
…
thanks cris.
- Bryan 'be.' Espiritu
Anytime be.
You express what some wish they could, but can’t.
Thanks again.
You’ll never be done until the day you die. Just make sure you are not living to die. I find myself doing that sometimes, it ends up holding you back.
I feel you miss. Thank you guys for reading and commenting.
I so feel you, be. I remember what my life was like 3 years ago and you’d think that it would be…I don’t know…a weight off the shoulders to no longer be fatalistic, but that never really leaves you, does it? It just manifests as fear of death instead of fear of life. It’s always a fight, but in the end it’s worth it because most of the time the outcome is so beautiful.
Keep fighting, be. You are an inspiration to many.
This is some serious, deep, and very open stuff.
A friend of mine committed suicide earlier this year. Its not the way to go – thats for sure. If he knew how much people would and did suffer emotionally, physically, and spiritually, after his passing, I’m sure he never would have done what he did.
I’ve never walked a mile in your shoes, but by looking through your blog, you’ve accomplished a LOT. So many people would kill to be in your position, and reach the level you are at. Many look up to you.
Keep working hard. It will pay off in the end.
:)