TheLegendsLeague

It’s Thursday evening. Now it’s Friday ’cause I got so tired last night that I couldn’t finish this post. November 6th. Now November 7th. I’m exhausted still. I always am. I’m down. and out. and not quite sure why. But I keep referring back to the fact that I probably just need a drink. Who knows? Maybe that’s the solution. But unfortunately I know that it’s also the problem. I think it’s quite possible that what I need is what many of us have always sought - freedom. It’s very likely that I’m feeling shackled with responsibility, with the tug of war between dreams and the chase, and reality and the idling time involved with waiting for the right wave to surf. I thought I found it with TheLegendsLeague. Maybe. Maybe I was terribly wrong. Maybe spending all this money to fund my passion to design and have a clothing company is a waste that I may never be able to turn to a sustainable business that will have me feeling a little less shackled, and a little more strapped to surf.

A few days ago I hit my Sober 165 goal weight. I woke up to an amazing message from a girl who had been keeping an eye on TheLegendsLeague from Dubai and from Manila during the summer that floored me and had me awed by her honesty and passion. I got out of bed and stepped on the scale, and there it was - 165lbs. Something I had been working towards since September 18th was finally here. A whole month earlier than I expected. And I admittedly, was happy as hell. I had done it. For myself, for sure. But for you guys. More.

I know that sounds a little bit messed up. But it’s true. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through The Beer Weight Experiment or The 5 Minute Me. without you guys supporting me, sending me messages, trying it out yourselves, and returning to the blog to see how I was doing. And while I definitely feel like I need to eat something at home that’s hearty and NOT spaghetti squash - (*pukes in mouth) - I feel more passionately about not letting you guys down.

You inspire me. A lot. With your support and kind words, and your trust that I’ll be able to carry out anything that I randomly think up. And that means the world to me.

And then I’m back to feeling like shit.

My hair is growing out. I look scrubby. And I can’t go to a barber.

Yeah, crazy right? I’ve never been to a barber to get my hair cut. Go ahead. Laugh. It’s fine, I’m used to it. When I was a kid my dad would just cut our hair. Bowl cuts, “fades”, (notice the quotes there), chelsea’s (yup, I had a chelsea. I’m from a different era than a lot of you). He did it all. And not that bad either. So I just never went to a barber. All my friends used to go to the barber shops and pay money to get their hair cut, and I had to just stay home and get my dad to do it. As I got older, I just cut my own hair and ended up never having to go to a barber shop. I did go when I was older. But that was to get braid ups. The only other person to ever cut my hair was Zaki. But she’s too busy making the best music in the world, so hair cutting isn’t on the top of the list. And her peanut don’t work no more. :(. So anyways, I feel like a fucking scrub and I don’t know what to do about it ‘cus I wanna grow my fucking hair back to when it was all long and shit and I had a ponytail. Yes. Laugh again. I also had a ponytail… but it looks mad stupid right now. Whatever, besides the point I guess. But I feel like ranting a little. A lot.

Next topic:

I’ve been doing a lot of Ideall Clothing related stuff which has really drained me. I’m bad when I’m in financial binds, and the whole country is in a fucking financial bondage fetish fuckfest right now. On a thrown bound and gagged then thrown to the ground and bagged. I think I’m poetic. The path is wrong. (I think I’ll use this in something new). But the success, or relative success of Ideall Clothing has been cool. I’m eating off my passions, what more could I ask for? Hmmm. I can think of a few things.

I never see my girlfriend anymore. And if we do get to see one another it’s just to sleep and then we’re up in the early morning ready to go to work or school. I haven’t seen my sister Zaki in soo long. I miss her very much. I haven’t seen my homey Phil, my other big sister Rose, OR their semi-new baby, Charlie. Word on the street is that she’s already graduated kindergarden. Not really, but it’s been that long. I missed Rose’s birthday because I had a fucking emotional breakdown with Stacey about how I’m usually not so angry as I seem and the majority of the time I’m actually just upset like a fucking child who wants to cry all the fucking time. I cried so much that night it exhausted me and I could barely keep my eyes open. And then I sent Rose ANOTHER apology text message… I’m pathetic. And I fucking hate it. I missed her birthday festivities for the sake of being an emotional cupcake. What did they do for MY past birthday? Phil, Rose and her daughter Dé sent me the best message ever. And I saved it on my phone since then.

Best Message Ever.

Yeah, amazing right? Dé’s the best. And hearing Rose say, “I Love You” as much as she used to tell me that taught me something about having family members who just say what they feel. I love them a lot, and my fucking emotional issues got in the way of me ’showing’ them for the first time in almost a year.

Then there’s this girl at my work who always pushes me to write a book. I’ve always said I was going to. But who the fuck cares really? Same shit. Over and over. Nothing new right? Well, I’m just gonna have to write this thing and get it off my fucking chest to see if anyone DOES give a shit about me writing it. We’ll see I guess.

I’m starting to get really tired again and I don’t plan on continuing this shit into tomorrow so I’ll just cut it off here.

Before I go, I’ve got a quick message to everyone else trying The Sober 165 - it is possible to change your life by changing your body. Your body is easily changed by your habits. And your habits come down to a simple question most of the time - “Should I? or Shouldn’t I”. The answer is usually no if you need to think about it, so just show some restraint and some discipline and your life will improve. I promise you. I’m at a weight that I thought I’d never get back to, and have been Sober now for 51 days with the exception of the beer and the wine that I had on my anniversary. You can do it. I’ve got faith in you and I’m always open to help people out if you’ve got any questions. Right now I’m just in a pissy mood. So good luck.. and keep being strong. As I said to my homey Addy, momentary emotional pain is nothing in comparison to a lifetime of psychological defeat. Face your withdrawals and you will reap the greatest rewards.

I’m out.
Thanks for listening guys.
Love&Respect.
be.