• Rise & Fall & Rise Again.
Tuesday January 26.10
I’m drained. I know that this blogging thing hasn’t really been the forum of my choice to go off on introspective releases lately, but honestly I’ve gotta remember that this writing thing has always been just that. And so I’m drained..
Moving into a new home and a new space of work simultaneously is quite possibly the smartest and/or stupidest thing I’ve done in my adult life that isn’t potentially life-threatening or a criminal offense. I am taking a risk. A huge risk that is bringing my stress levels up so high that at every turn I feel like I might just burst into tears to get rid of some of the tension. And I’m okay admitting that lately I have done just that.
I know depression. And I know that it feels like it’s being invited over to the space between my ribs and spine quite frequently in recent days. Unfortunately, invited or not, depression is the type of beast that will crash a party and stay after all the guests have gone. It has stained the fabric of my life. It has damaged the images of my youth. And it’s on my porch.
I once sat in the passenger seat of my friend’s BMW thinking about what I hadn’t done for myself. I looked at the interior and the features and felt the seats as we turned towards the on-ramp of the highway. We are parallels, but I am not at his level. The ladder and it’s rungs. Where you’ve hung and where you’ll hang will surely be where you will stand. Or so I dream about in poetic statements. And in my mind I deserve to be driven, but in due time, I too shall drive.
The fear that I have is of uncertainty. A fear of the unknown, as I hear them say. I’m generally pretty confident in my ability to create my future and allow it to unfold well before it becomes my present, but these days even my present is unclear.
When I was a child I remember hearing 2 words that stuck in my mind: “Inquisitive” and “Catastrophe”. I searched for the meaning of inquisitive and it read, “inclined to ask questions”. Catastrophe was something I had already clearly understood. So here in my adult life on the brink of something that will fulfill or fail my future goals I’m reminded of these 2 words that have been with me since I was young. And I ask myself the questions whose answers will help me avoid the catastrophic. I hope and I hope. I shall not build loops to shorten the rope nor nooses to keep the useless afloat.
“Have you become useless, Bryan?”
Even a stone is of use. But uselessness is as much my fear as the ocean worries about a skipping rock. I fear being of no value. I fear being of no worth to those who do not love me. When you’re loved, the value of your life is in your being and in your spirit. I feel loved. The payment for that value is genuine relationships, genuine friendships, time well spent, and a warm heart. “I’d rather be broke together than rich alone”, I read. And it’s a statement like this that reminds me that my value as a person will not keep the heat on in a home full of love. So I look for work. I search. And I hope that my value will be seen and compensated by those who do not love me for my spirit or my being, but for my work first. And maybe soon, the rest.
From the outside the statement seems to be that TheLegendsLeague and IdeallClothing is my job. Yes, those are jobs. But having a personal blog that is literally your heart on a screen doesn’t pay. It’s kind of like being loved for the person you are, I guess. Ideall on the other hand is a business that allows me to make a profit from something that I offer – a personal message and commentary through clothing. But since I’m moving to new spaces, the online shop has been closed. And that doesn’t mean anything good but time to do necessary things to make the transition smooth. The wind blows once and states it’s gust, I trudge in all disgust. Then it talks me back as my steps retract from the direction I’ve discussed.
What am I meant to do? It’s interesting being 28 years old and asking yourself that. There are places on our planet, seemingly worlds away, that would call me a child for not being sure of my purpose. By now I should have 3 kids, a home and a career. I should own 3 mules and know how to build a house with wooden planks, a hammer, a nail and some mud. But in my world chasing a dream is far better than sleeping and just watching them pass. And in my world I am fortunate enough to not have fallen to the necessities of the lives of those who live oceans away. I am North American. Canadian, to be exact. And being a professional artist is something that is very possible. But whether I am destined for that calling, or whether I have it in me to call out to that destiny, is as yet, to some extents, unknown.
Marcus Troy asked me the other day what success meant to me. My answers have changed over the years. Today success means the transition from being recognized for my skills to being able to create a professional career as an artist and a designer. It means being able to live off of the profits that stem from my sharing my expressive experiences in life through art and design, writing and poetry. It means owning a home and a car. It means being able to have a room in my house for my daughter no matter what her age is. It means not considering having to go back to jobs that don’t utilize my creativity but exploit my efficiency. It’s about being able to feel like myself and feel accepted and requested for being the person that I am, as a creator and an honest man.
I spoke with Marcus on the phone a couple of weeks ago and he described the idea of winning our own personal Grammy’s. The gist of it is that it is often a musician’s goal in life to win a Grammy. It’s a symbol of global recognition for the talents that one has in a specific field. It is not a gift. It is earned. And those who are fortunate enough to win a Grammy have the skills that merit this award. Marcus has received plenty of personal “Grammy’s”. But he has earned them. It is because he is who he is and does what he does at the caliber that he does it that he is “lucky” enough to be able to receive these things and attain these goals in his life. He also asked me what my Grammy’s are. What are the things that I would consider my life long goals to be attained? I told him I would respond in a blog post. So here goes nothing.. and everything all at once:
The Things That Will Fulfill My Life Dreams
In art, In life, In myself.
I will write and release at least 2 books.
I will do a solo gallery show.
I will create vinyl toys based on my Fully Wholly characters.
I will design footwear.
I will have IdeallClothing in shops all over the globe.
I will have a TheLegendsLeague store in Toronto.
I will create a program for youth that focuses on mental health and the importance of creative arts.
I will teach the program.
I will be known as a professional writer and poet.
I will own a BMW.
I will own a house.
I will have a dog.
I will buy that dog a friend. That friend will be a cat.
I will spend the rest of my life with the woman I am in love with.
She will agree to that.
I will learn the slow dance from Beauty and the Beast and perform it with my daughter at her wedding.
I will pay for my daughter to go to college or university.
I will overcome my struggles with panic and anxiety.
I will live without medication.
I will be stronger than my depression.
I will be proud of my scars.
I will release my security blankets.
I will make this all worth it.
If the time so comes that calls for my walls to collapse around me and for my legs to bend below and kneel over rubble, fallen successes and a scattered tear, I will be able to say through the muted cries:
I sure hope you all know I tried.
Thank you for reading this. Your comments are always welcome.
LLove&Above,
- Bryan ‘be.’ Espiritu
Very Very great post , straight from the heart Salute to you bro that you will get all your Grammys
Strong post, I really felt this one.
Great read, strong words.. Thanks for sharing
Wow man. You’ve got no idea how much i can relate. Much respect for the honesty.
Sometimes I think that it’s the gift and the curse of being creative. That your brain can sometimes be your best friend then turn around and be your worst enemy.
But you got to keep on.
Take care bro,
and good luck.
Gripping, from start to finish. I was doing the exact same thing on my notepad recently. It is needed in these times, for those who think too much and can’t turn it off… It felt good.
Dude keep your head up and never let any negative thought get in the way of your goals. Speak what you want to accomplish on a daily basis and you will subconsciously gravitate toward your Grammy’s. Thank you for sharing this.
I don’t even know where to begin. But I’m going to try to start somewhere. I’m crying. And it didn’t start at the beginning but during the second “list” of things you will accomplish. I am not telling you about my emotional response to let you know I’m “digging” this, but rather because this has truly tugged at my heart and soul’s strings.
Although most of my interaction with you is through this blog I truly believe you are one of the few people I (don’t fully) know who will land on the ground right side up. I feel like the biggest reason is because you don’t wear a mask. While I understand there are “roles” you may have to shift between to get where you want to be, I feel sure that you keep your face on at most times. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
I admire your willingness to reveal this to all of us even though it looks like you have “your shit together” anyway. But still your truth doesn’t mean, to me anyway, that you have “your shit together” any less after telling us. If that makes any sense :\
Bryan I envy your comfort in owning your life…the way it is…the way it was…and the way it’s going to be. We get one life. We get one chance to do it however we see fit. This is our only shot to do more than exist the way the world sees fit. How many people can say they are truly on the path to doing that? I can’t. It’s complicated though, or so I tell myself.
“In the long run, what people think about shepherds and bakers becomes more important for them than their own Personal Legends.” – The old man in The Alchemist.
It’s amazing how I have complete faith that everyone of those “I will’s” will come to fruition for you.
Keep pushing Bryan.
As usual, the truth. Your goals made me feel great, some made me laugh out loud, some made me get water in the eyes. And these goals are what make us, and keep us going. Without them, your life has no business plan or direction.
” I will do a solo gallery show.” You know thats a piece of cake and you have the connections to do that. You know you will pack the venue, and you know a former curator, Just ask.
“I will create vinyl toys based on my Fully Wholly characters.” How’s that going?
“I will create a program for youth that focuses on mental health and the importance of creative arts.” My wife is the co-ordinator for a Thursday night youth program at Youthlink Inner City. They just got funding, you two should meet.
“I will learn the slow dance from Beauty and the Beast and perform it with my daughter at her wedding.” This is the greatest thing I’ve heard in a long time.
“I will pay for my daughter to go to college or university.” If you havent started already, start an RESP. We just opened ours.
You’re huge my friend. I cant wait for to look back at all these goals… When theyre in the past.
Dude, it’s January. January sucks. Everyone’s walking around in bulky black coats, big boots and hella tense. Your onset of depression may just be seasonal. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m feelin’ it too, so is everyone around me, except for those people with annoying tans… but they just got back, and the vacay-effect will wear off by the end of the day. Moving also sucks. Uprooting your life, while trying to keep it organized into a smooth transition is no easy feat. Moving in winter? You’re just asking for it. However, putting your goals down in writing… you’re also asking for it–and you’ll get it (them). The only thing you need to ask yourself now is: How?
Thanks for writing this post. I feel ya! Keep your head up!
So amazing. Totally at a loss of words. All I can say is that I commend you and believe in your success.
With love,
Catriona
it’s just a matter of time.
i’ve always believed you could achieve those things.
there’s nowhere else for you to go but up.
you got this babe.
love you.
I learned a valuable lesson at TheLegendsLeague that even in all of our glory we still kind of suck… but we’ll appreciate the half empty sooner or later, because it is exciting to know what to act toward. Then we’re on to the next one.
There is purpose that surrounds your every decision to just be. And that state of being is the hardest to tame because for all that you don’t own/do, there is that much more that you are. There isn’t enough ikea in the world to make order/logic of the mass chaos that is “I am ______”. And so we go.
You interest many, incite eagerness in people ounces of honesty at a time. You offer honesty that I thought disappeared to a far away land with a pile of my mate-less socks. You influence. You give real value beyond face value. Hell, you could sell a hair dryer to a bald man. You are one of my mentors, man – one of a dying breed who models the importance of defining your wants before you go complaining about not achieving them or claiming to know shit about how to get there.
You do not seek validation or approval. You believe in those who believe you are able. And you get it in.
Things like this can never be stated/screamed/written/shared/spoken enough.
You declare big things here, bryan.
As a supporter, I will proudly hold you accountable
Committing – letting your yes be yes, and your no be no – is an extraordinary feat
To play the hand you’re dealt
To be cynical by nature and still always know that anything is negotiable
is humble and hungry
It is a pleasure to know you.
It’s a pretty amazing feeling to see a mix of people I’ve known my whole life, people I’ve met only once or twice, people I’ve only spoken to through the internet, and people I’ve never had any contact with before commenting on this post. With the exception of “The never no”, I don’t think I’ve written a post this candid since I started TheLegendsLeague. This is exactly where my heart and mind are at right now. This is as completely honest as I can be with my readers at this exact moment in my life. And it’s a great, great feeling to know that on some level this post has been enough to have each of you saying something.
I know that there are plenty of readers who never post comments on my blog, but they email me or send me messages on facebook or twitter. Thank you to all of you as well for showing me support and letting me know that what I say tolls a bell in your hearts whether it’s because you can relate, or it’s because you feel a level of attachment to my work, or my ‘being’ as I talk about in this post.
I can tell you all that I didn’t disclose everything that I’m going through right now that is bringing me into a state of depression, overwhelming stress and doubt, but that isn’t always necessary. There are reasons behind everything I do. And right now I can assure you that being upset or uncertain doesn’t mean that I’m not confident as fuck in what I’m about to do.
You already know I got you guys if there’s anything that I can help with. Your comments more often than not are enough to get me through.
Respect.
be.
I wish u the best man, even though u might wish me the oposite.
This is the most amazing blog…I think everybody on here thinks that. I would love to write a page long comment, but I won’t. Bryan, you are doing exactly what you should, in the place you should be. Just like other people have said, I am in a place where I’m making the choice to do what I was created to do (I’m 28 too, but I wasted a lot of time doing other things). I love that I’ve found that, I realize that there are so many people who haven’t, most actually. It’s a blessing in itself to be able to be you, even if you don’t get paid for it. Lots of people live everyday being someone else for everybody else.
Also, I think you probably realize this already, but doing this blog, even though it may not provide direct funds, is an amazing way to get connections with people that you would have otherwise not made without it. You never know, the next Jay-Z, Oprah, or Barack Obama might be on here and want what you have to offer. Don’t sell yourself short on that, trust me, that’s real talk.
You will be successful (whatever that is for you) because you are being you. You aren’t giving that up for anyone and that is the formula for your success. Just keep blessing us with your thoughts and we will keep being encourged by watching you rise and fall and rise again.
much love…
Damn.. this spoke a lot to me. I can relate
nts: be first in line for the grand opening of thelegendsleague store in Toronto :D
I havent visited as often as I wish could have but you know I know what you mean.
Keep your head up, kuya bear.
Ill see you sooner…
I felt every emotion in this post. as someone that is always suceptible to depression i know how it can stake u out, there is no better sniper. the way i feel right now after reading this reminds me of how i used to feel after reading your posts on ur MySpace page. I know that once u shake this bullshit depression and anxiety off (u gotta show it the pimp hand bry!!)and settle in u will hit the ground running towards each and every single one of those goals. I know i tell u all the time how proud and honoured i am to know u and i dont think i will ever tire of saying it.
“I will learn the slow dance from Beauty and the Beast and perform it with my daughter at her wedding.” BASTARD! U MADE ME CRY! lol.
I love this post. As a matter of fact, I have picked up so much knowledge and inspiration from this blog. As an aspiring music producer living in South Africa, but working as a professional in a corporate environment, I understand exactly what you’re talking about.
I find it intersting that all the way across the big waters, the same questions are being asked? What do I want to achieve. I know I want to achieve success, but what success means to ach one of us individually is what differs.
The list above applies so much to my life. Hold your head, when you do, you help others going through with you!
make sure you tell me where the store is so i can linx your first revenue.
As a occasional reader of your blog I often find myself further inspired by your humility. This list of things you WILL accomplish is no different.
Keep pushing. Keep Writing.
Oi, as far as telling you your blog is amazing..there’s no need you know it and anyone can tell you that…but:
1. Make your own future, i know its hard to remember but the banker that didn’t give you a loan, or the tow truck driver that’s about to take your car, are human too…( i feel like im gonna star trambling so ill say)Just NEVER give up.
2. I cannot tell what depression is to you, but to me its like a vest as heavy as the earth, it just makes me sink down, but there’s always a spark of hope inside me because i know this: Tomorrow, regardless of what happens, will ALWAYS come. Everything moves forward never, stops never goes back, so instead of feeling sorry for myself i like to just think of what i can do tomorrow to change the day after…(spoken like a true procrastinator =P)
Anyways just Two pennies for my 2 thoughts lol
Thanks.
WOW….First time ever seeing you blog (by way of Marcus Troy)….I’m an instant fan…that shit helps more than you know…thank you for this post…damn…real talk…
Thanks for sharing this post..
personally, this inspires me to put all my priorities in check
looking forward to seeing you attain all of your goals!
oh yea, and I’m looking forward to copping a pair of ideaLL sneakers too!
“I will overcome my struggles with panic and anxiety.
I will live without medication.
I will be stronger than my depression.
I will be proud of my scars.
I will release my security blankets.
I will make this all worth it.
If the time so comes that calls for my walls to collapse around me and for my legs to bend below and kneel over rubble, fallen successes and a scattered tear, I will be able to say through the muted cries:
I sure hope you all know I tried.”
That last set got me right in the heart. We as humans have so many insecurities,that prevent us from doing so much. This post has inspired me to be the best I can be. To follow,not my dreams, but my future plans. To be a better person before I can be anything else. Thanks for the inspiration.
Man, I was just here. In this space, I was just here. About 2 weeks ago. Just a whole lot of pressure from all sides, yo. Doubt kinda creeps in, and fucks with your mind a bit. Whoo! Ain’t tryin’ to get haunted by that feeling again! Dark place.
Just gotta remember that the universe has my back on this one. I’m a believer in the theory that we gain the ability to manifest what we want when we’re our truest selves.
I find that in these moments I try to keep in mind that I built up all this capital being real, being authentic in my words and actions, that it’s time for me to collect, y’know?
You’ve got plenty of that yourself, my man. You’ll be great.
I LLove them Grammys, man. I’ma have to put together something like that myself.
Dope.
“I will make this all worth it.”
That sent chills up my spine. Reading that has jump started my day, thanks.
great artist and real person.creative and inspirational
proud of you..I know you will accomplish everything on your list.
thats a beautiful thing. keep chasing those dreams.