The PoLL:
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My name is Bryan 'be.' Espiritu. I'm a realist, an artist, a writer, a father, a lover and most notably the designer of many things including my clothing line, IdeallClothing.
This site is a nod to everything that makes me tick, talk, and at times turns me turbulent. I may say some things you'll disagree with. I may do some things that you dislike. I may disappear unannounced for long stretches of time without leaving you a note. But when I'm around you can count on one thing - I wear my heart on my sleeve and my arm in a sling.
Welcome To TheLegendsLeague. You've been in it since the day you were born.
• Random, But So Is Life Oct 30.09
I Have Nowhere To Go But Crazy.
Friday October 30.09
On most days my voice goes unused and my face, unseen. I’m cooped up in a little, modest, one bedroom apartment, fighting with ideas, thoughts of suicide, bites of comedy, and creative plans that battle inside of my head like a brawl between every social group in a high school, scrapping in the front foyer over supremacy. I rarely need to get dressed for anything important, and rarely have anywhere to go but crazy. I’m just here. Collecting thoughts that collect their dust all in good pace. On the odd occasion, my phone will ring. I usually don’t answer it. I just let it ring out and continue with whatever organized chaotic task I have placed in front of me. Design this, write that, do the dishes, do them later. Etcetera.
Over these last few days, I’ve been overwhelmed with the perceptions that I must give others. I can say I’m doing pretty well. I am making my own money off my own product. But with the graduation of my life and the popularity of what I ‘provide’ in the category of “Soul Food”, comes the exposure of my many character traits, most of which aren’t the most desirable things for another person to experience.. especially someone who doesn’t really know me for me. Because the truth is, plenty of people who haven’t known me past my blog or my clothing line can get one-two things twisted quite easily.
’cause Pac’s looking from Heaven sayin:
They ain’t understand me neither”
Let me introduce you to the 3 people who spend most of their time with me: Seclusion, Trains of Thought, and Doubt.
Seclusion:
I’m a loner at heart. I don’t need to be around people all the time for the sake of being seen or feeling important. And I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing. Not all the time at least. Ignorance and stupidity are things that are raging with contamination and are feverishly contagious, and I am neither immune to them, nor the Swine Flu. But I’d gladly take a strand of the H1N1 over any of the rampant bullshit that people seem to be on these days. It’s just not me. So I sit with my thoughts and harmonize some rambling orchestra of semi-brilliant ideas I’d love to carry out. Then, in a swift move of excitement, I fail them all.. mostly. I become secluded, so much so that I begin to feel excluded, in mind, in morals, and in whole.
Trains of Thought:
Be patient with me while I (try to) explain how my mind works in conversation..
Consequence and response, for me, are immediately attached to action. So when I speak, I cycle almost obsessively over the listeners thought, reaction, emotion, and response while I try to say something. For example, if I want to tell someone about a book I’m working on, the conversation may happen like this:
- Them (voice): Whatchu been up to lately?
Me (Immediate thought): I’m really excited about this new book I’m working on.
Me (thought): If you say that they’ll think: Hasn’t he been working on a book forever?
Me (thought): Then you tell them, this one is different. It’s a children’s book.
Me (thought): They won’t believe you and they’ll just ask: Really? What’s it about? – to be polite.
Me (thought): Don’t waste their time. You’re wasting their time.
Me (thought): They think you’re full of shit because you always start new things and never finish anything.
Me (thought): Don’t bother telling them about your book.
Me (thought): What if they want to hear about it? What if they’re actually excited to hear about it?
Me (thought): They’ll act like it. Then you can start talking about the concept.
Me (thought): But then they’ll steal it. They’ll make it better. They’ll come up with a way to do what you can’t. Finish the book.
Me (thought): Don’t bother telling them about your stupid fucking book.
Me (thought): Don’t bother telling them.
Me (thought): You’re stupid.
Me (thought): Fuck your book.
Me (voice): You know, same shit..
Them (voice): Word.
Them (thought): On to more interesting shit…
It’s terribly frustrating. And it consumes half of the conversations that I have with people, leaving me with whole conversations in my mind that have never happened in person because this 3rd person, this thought in my head, this person I used to be, or would like to be, or have never been, or that I despise.. whomever they are.. keeps interrupting everything I would like to say. Until I just shut up. All the time. And say nothing that my heart wants to say.. in person, in play, and in whole.
Doubt:
I am a cynic. An unarmed worrier? Not quite. I know what my arsenal’s like. But I do worry about a lot. I think about interactive scenarios in the same manner as I do with conversation, conjuring up all possible outcomes until I have a collection of every possible negative thing that can happen before I do anything. And so I don’t do anything. I doubt the good, the motives, the love, the intentions, the honesty, the presence of humility, the safety, the security, the loyalty, and the possibility for change. You could see my distaste with people if you’ve read half of the things I’ve ever written.. but I doubt you have.
Well, there it goes again.
Being Bullied
My day-to-day life feels something like I imagine being bullied feels like. You never want to leave your house, or do anything. But you need to in order to maintain a level of normalcy. When you do decide to go against your bullies, you are always beat. Until one day you decide you are going to do something brash, and you kill them. But what if those bullies are lingering inside of you? What if those bullies are in your mind and patrolling your every thought. Then you become overwhelmed with the idea of shooting your brains onto your ceiling fan.
Or at least I do.
I don’t value myself quite so much. Or my own opinion. Not in this world, I don’t. Not in what we have become, or at least what these bullies have lead me to learn. We’re a world where the audience is allowed on stage. And most can’t tell the pro’s from the “Second Rows”. And so I seem to have lost my respect for my own growing talents and I spend much of my time battling with these 3 bastards who batter my battery to empty. Seclusion. Trains of Thought. Doubt. I can’t be strong in their presence when I have no support for when I am at my weakest. And I am tired.
At my age now, I must be a dead one.
I need some help. Before I go back to the pills and in-patients, the meds and beds. Or before I shoot these bullies in the head.
Love&Respect as usual,
- Bryan ‘be.’ Espiritu
Continue to the Blog
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17 Comments on • Random, But So Is Life Oct 30.09
hxfour | October 31.09 at 12:36 pm
be. | October 31.09 at 1:11 pm
I’ll check it out.. thanks Clay.
Andrew | November 1.09 at 12:59 am
be. “Seclusion”, “Trains of Thought”, and “Doubt” are the three who I spend most of my time with as well. I’m in the nearly the same boat on trains of thought except my conversations occur before/after talking to the person…I can be up for hrs throughout the night going over what I wanna say and how the person would react. Doubting everything done/said to me, even by those closest to me. Seclusion for me is the greatest peace and the worst nightmare at the same time.
As for the bullies, having been bullied all my life, I’ve found the greatest help for me is not lashing out against whatever bullies you have, BUT to prove them wrong. Not only will it shut them up but it boosts yourself at the same time. Remember you’ve already proven them wrong before…I’m sure doubt never would of believed The Legends League would be nearly as big as it already is, and is becoming. So that’s one shot to the bullies already.
All this brings up Wale’s song “Diary”, everyone is trying to be relevant in their own ways. You are relevant to every person who, like me, makes it a part of their day to check out the site. Don’t make this site just another few lines in your diary.
Jillian | November 1.09 at 3:10 am
Be,
Again, these thoughts and feelings are all familiar to me as of late, in my past and tends to come back in the fall and winter months. I wake up for the sake of waking up and making my day somewhat productive. Walking around like a zombie and make sure I’m there mentally to take the dogs out in a timely matter and get a fresh breath of air. I keep my headphones on, with the hope that no one will talk to me, but they still want to make some smart comment or get asked the same questions (about my dogs) by the same people, or tourist stop me for directions. I just want to be left alone. I get my shit done, run errands, (if I need to) but most of the time I remain in my little box until someone decides to take me out of my normalcy. Soon, I hope to get out of this corner. Man, I need a vacation…..
J
be. | November 1.09 at 10:29 pm
I appreciate your honesty and sharing your experiences. It’s important to talk these things out.
I got some really genuine messages via blackberry messenger and email about this post, and it’s good to know that the people who are hurting through life are at least still living through the hurt.
I’m with that. Be strong.
“If you can’t hold on, at least hang on baby..”
Charon | November 2.09 at 2:29 am
Funny that you share something so personal yet as you can see from responses; more common than you know.
I may not know you but I relate to you. In you writings I find so much and feel so much that in my reading feel as though I do know you. Unfortunately I don’t. Does that mean anything to you?
Does it take away a bit of the doubt to know that people want to be what you are making for yourself? Does it soften the “Train of thought” to know that people want to know you from what you express on this blog? That people all over the place know your line and support it for more reasons than it being trendy but because they respect the man behind it?
All the people you might inspire or move or change to be better by being you; does it make you stronger against the bully?
If not maybe those things should. Forget about the life you lived and focus on the one you want to. Forget about the nay sayers and focus on those that support you and walk thru life as you do in some way or maybe even those that can learn from you.
Having a purpose in life is important due to the fact that it minimizes self destruction.
My brother shares with me all the time when I am in my “doubt”: Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never over estimate the power to change others.
I know this was long winded and I am none special but I hope you get a chance to read this and if anything it makes you smile.
Jillian | November 2.09 at 2:31 am
I can imagine the responses you got about this post. Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me, that I find it easier to talk about this shit via e-mail, messenger or some form of text vs. verbally. (I’m still trying to work on that.)
Promise the world that you’ll hang on and we’ll be right there with you.
nejo | November 2.09 at 10:28 am
Seclusion. Trains of Thought. Doubt = be. a normal and honest human. We all have these thoughts but you’re blessed with a talent to convey them with your key strokes, keep writing it’s therapy for many of us.
peace.
be. | November 2.09 at 11:10 am
Recently, a good friend and long time supporter of what I do told me that I’ve been able to voice some of the things that she can’t verbalize or articulate herself. As much as this makes me happy to be some sort of channel for people’s feelings and thoughts and emotions, it’s still really difficult on the day-to-day to look around and feel terribly secluded and isolated. Sometimes I wonder who is gonna channel what I’m going through? Who is gonna make me feel properly expressed and understood like I apparently have been able to do for others?
And seeing these comments is, to some extent, doing that for me right now.
I woke up semi-randomly at about 4 this morning and looked at my phone to read what you guys have been saying, and honestly, it put a genuine smile on my face. As a grown man, I’ve never been able to bring myself to seek a crutch in someone else. But things have been terribly hard for me lately, and at the very least, I needed to express some of it. Feeling the support from you guys is amazing, and I am grateful.
It’s crazy, because I don’t know any of you guys personally, but these responses makes it seem like I do on some levels. I mean, I understand, I DO put my heart out on this blog a LOT. So it’s easy for people to get some insight on my mind and how it ticks. It’s just dope to get a little back for the lot that you put out.
Thanks for llove..
I appreciate it a lot.
be.
Crystal Coburn | November 2.09 at 10:36 pm
First off, I’ve been staring at the artwork for so long trying to figure out what it is and its like I had to stop trying so hard and finally, there you were. The circles are your eyes right? I kept thinking they were fingers intertwined and the circles were the nails. I see it now.
And as for your writing below, I really have to come back Bryan.
Crystal Coburn | November 2.09 at 10:44 pm
K I’m back. You know Bryan I don’t think you realize how strong your presence is. I mean when I was reading the convo up top, esp the parts where you were talking to yourself, I was thinking that you must be unaware how much other people are doing the same thing with you. I mean, we know quite a bit about you, and I say that because although we don’t know everything we know some pretty intimate details. You’re also a very honest, and sometimes blunt guy, definitely more than most people. You write things like you couldn’t give a fuck who thinks you’re wrong. So I’m pretty sure the people you’re talking to have experienced this on their end too. I know I have. Second guessing what to say or what not to say, wondering if you’ll care or think its the least bit interesting. It can really mess with an entire convo as you have already expressed. I just want you to know that if you don’t already. So, next time you see me, tell me about your fucking book and I’ll tell you about mine.
Natali (*LL) | November 3.09 at 9:35 am
Dearest Bryan,
Like Crystal said “I don’t think you realize how strong your presence is.” You say the things most people are too afraid to even think of, but by doing that – some of us can relate in a way and KNOW that we’re not alone. Even though the situations / experiences are very different. But because you’re so honest, that’s probably why I always feel the need to say “thank you”.
Since I read the post “Analyze 5 of Your Closest Friends”, I haven’t stopped thinking. It makes me sad and at the same time I want to get up and change the world. Unfortunately I couldn’t even think of a “top 5″ list. Maybe 3. So I started thinking of people who I want on my list, people I look up to, people who I can relate to in some way or another, and just people I like to have around – be it via the internet or whichever way. Immediately thought of you, even though we haven’t met face-to-face, I thought if I could choose anyone, I’d want Bryan on that list. Not only for inspiration (in so many ways), but just because whenever I come here it feels like “Bryan gets it”.
“I don’t value myself quite so much.” My daily battle. One of the hardest things to believe (and accept) – is to KNOW that you are loved and that you DESERVE abundant love. Some people say you’ve to say it to yourself every day, but it’s difficult when your head / heart thinks different.
And having said all of the above, again – I just want to say “thank you”. Thank you for not always being perfect, thank you for being honest and thank you for sharing. Most of all thank you for just being “be” – and might I add, you’re doing a mighty fine job at that.
As for the book – THE book – it doesn’t matter if you’re working on it right now or if it only happens 10 years from now. This blog and everything else you’re working on forms part of it… so you’re working on it as we speak. Ya know what I’m sayin’?
A whole lotta respect,
Natali
Crystal Coburn | November 3.09 at 5:31 pm
I’ve been thinking about the 5 ppl list too Nat. Annnd I have been thinking about who I can add to it. Geeze. I’ll be back for that.
Davey Wavey | November 7.09 at 8:46 pm
Amazing . you know im a young dude … im trying to understand everything , but its so deep .Im on my tippy Toes and you got me thinking out here
nicee
Just Millz | November 8.09 at 11:05 pm
Every October to mid December is hibernation mode and seclusion from familiar faces & friends for me due to the overpowering wrath of school aka UofT. So, I appreciate your honesty in this post.
p.s. Couldn’t help but notice your music selection to accompany this post. Sigur Ros is simply amazing… some really good tranquil music that helps take your mind away from life’s worries (temporarily at least). Agaetis Byrjun & Takk… are both beautiful albums.
Try some Milosh music if you haven’t already… Toronto born, but now resides in Montreal. He also has very rich & powerful music.
-Just Millz
MITC
be. | November 8.09 at 11:11 pm
Respect out to Just Millz..
I appreciate it yo.
missA | November 23.09 at 6:38 pm
I say FUCK THE BULLIES!
Look at all you have accomplished despite them..trust me I work on a daily basis on keeping my bullies at bay and showing them whose boss.. it’s exhausting and sometimes they get the best of me but in the end I prevail.. because I have to and so do you.
On the bright side at least you can bounce ideas off a third party without having to be around people.. lol
Being brilliant ain’t easy..enriching the world with your art, creativity & ideas is a huge responsibility but you do it well and help the rest of us (or at least me) feel less alone and more normal. Thank you for that.
Life is a struggle but if you stay focused on the important things you realize what a beautiful struggle it is :)
LLove& Above
Page 30. and Page 58. You know what book… Those pages will at least challenge “Trains Of Thought”.