TheLegendsLeague

Today, (Saturday), I woke up, and as I got on the scale for the BWE I saw something that I probably haven’t seen for a hell of a long time. 166.7 lbs. I’m shocked. I’m also not shocked at all. After all, I haven’t touched a beer in over 3 weeks.

I dropped the wife off at work this morning and started my usual Saturday rounds, going down to LiveStock here in Toronto and usually finding reason to frantically drive here to there and back with “things to do”. Fuck that. Not today. Today I’m gonna do some fucking smiling.

I’ve noticed more recently that my face is so gottdamn serious half the time that most of my smiles feel fake enough for me to have to lean over and take a look in a mirror to make sure I’m not making an ass of myself. I act like I haven’t got time to kid. Meanwhile I’m the biggest kid around and I’m quite the clown if I may say so myself.

I decided today that it was about time I spent some good, relaxed, smiling, Saturday time with my lady. She deserves that much out of me and my fucking schedule. So while 2000 Til was about to get going, I was buying tickets to Sex & The City and looking forward to going for ice cream and a walk afterwards to discuss the ups & downs of the flick.

By the time I went to go pick her up, I had the tickets in my pocket. But by the time we got to the theater there was such a massive swarm of females in there that it seemed as though the last dick, donut, and episode of Ellen Degeneres on the planet were all going on the auction block at the same time for bargain basement prices. It was insanity. I ran in since we couldn’t find a parking spot for god knows how long, and tried to return my 7:25 tickets. As soon as I got to asking a staff member where I needed to go to return them, a woman jumped at me and offered me a coupon for 2 General Admissions, 2 Regular Pops and a Regular Popcorn for 1 of my tickets. I was like, shit, “Take ‘em both”, and I dipped. The shit was like what a female nymphomaniac psych group must look like if everyone was lining up to go hump a warm dick nailed into a board somewhere - I get it, but fuck, I don’t get it quite enough.

After skipping the movie we headed off to get some food. We stopped off at a sushi spot at Royal York and Bloor where I felt terribly out of place, but the food was fucking refreshing. It was great to not worry about the time or the next email coming through the blackberry. We cooled out and enjoyed time well spent.

Our next stop was to McDonald’s to get some McFlurry’s, and when we got there we were greeted by this notice on the drive through speaker:

The young man at the window was kind enough to tell us that there’s been a warning about a pesticide being used on the tomatoes supplied to McDonalds in North America, and one woman recently passed away. He was sure to tell us that she also was a cancer patient and so the probably was that she died of cancer versus dying from the consumption of a McDonald’s tomato.

I don’t know kid. I’d eat a pack of cigarettes before eating a whole McDonald’s tomato from here on out. Thanks for the heads up.

We walked with our Flurries through the park and chatted it up before heading home, chilling by the TV and calling it a night.

Sometimes when I’m working I forget that there are those that I love who are sitting around waiting. More times when I’m with my loved ones I’ve just got to realize that the work will be there waiting as well. The difference between the two of them is this - at some point the ones we care so much about may just up and walk away while we’re busy responding to text messages and emails.

A tooth showing smile is better than a “:D” by a billion. Share ‘em a little bit more often.

DAY TWENTYTWO RESULTS:
Day Twentytwo Weight: 166.7 lbs.
Emotionally: I’m feeling the best I have in months.
Appearance: Feeling super confident today. This experiment is insanity.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 5 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

I just got home from kicking it at my homey Hek’s spot for his lady’s birthday celebrations. Again, another night down without a drink.

That’s now officially 3 weeks, and unofficially 25 days without having a drop of alcohol. (sigh…)

Like all the other days the urge was there to have a little bit of the bubbas that were hanging around, or bust into the heiny’s that were bucketed and iced on what was the hottest day we’ve seen in Toronto since last year - a sweltering 30 some odd degrees of heatery.

We ended up watching some crazy DVD of “Court Cuts”, (all my Canadian hoop fans and sports highlight reel heads know what’s goody). During the brief hour or so that I was in the spot there was nuff hilarity. Andy and Los were both there - nuff said. We’re basically the ethnic variety show that any remotely foolish person loves having around for random speak and candy coated jokes of perverse funniness and tonight was no exception.

I’ve noticed though, that my edge is a lot sharper now that I’ve been sober. My jokes are more quickly spit, my humor, or lack there of, is more random and lippy, and I started to think about whether we’re more tolerant of one another when we’re drunk than we are of our own quirks when we’re sober.

Think about it. Imagine your homey who is cunning and quick with everyone while he’s drunk was also just as cunning and quick when he was sober. Maybe getting drunk for him didn’t have anything to do with being social, it was just about getting drunk. Do you think that your reactions to his behavior would be quite as humorous or entertaining? Better yet, would your ability to tolerate it be equally as high if he wasn’t drinking? I wonder what it is about us observing one another while we have no control that makes shit so much better. I know, I know, it’s the fact that we have no control. But is it all just as funny when we’re just ourselves, I mean, our non inebriated selves?

I’m always thinking of shit that isn’t relevant, and the question here isn’t whether or not the people around me don’t like me when I’m sober. I’m just asking you to consider it, is all.

I said to Los tonight, “It’s funny, I don’t crave the beer anymore”.

Maybe the craving is to have the excuse to be more of ourselves and be shielded by the excuse of drunkenness than it is to be drunk. Or maybe we just need to get away from having to think so much altogether.

DAY TWENTYONE RESULTS:
Day Twentyone Weight: 168.4 lbs.
Emotionally: Feeling good, feeling great. I love the warm weather, and those around me.
Appearance: “You’ve lost weight. Your face looks skinnier”. - Dar.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 8 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

Every other Thursday morning is generally when I run Ideall/LegendsLeague business that I can’t handle within my 14 hour work day. I sew up any loose ends, meet with printers, pattern makers, suppliers etc, and handle some things before going to pick my daughter up from school. Today I found myself in a position to handle most of my business through phone and email contact, so I decided it might be nice to spend some time with the wife while she waited for class.

Where to? Ikea, for the no money stroll…

This shot is taken in the “AS-IS” section, which when pronounced backwards, is “ZAZOOOO”. Try it. You’ll feel stupid later on.

Ikea is chock full of random shit. Here I captured some boxes of things that were for some other things. The other things, well they were also in some boxes. Man, those guys are good.

I wasn’t aware of this, but Ikea also sells those flowers that dance when you play music near them or yell in their face.

My uncle used to have one of those. Or was I imagining that? Wait a minute, those are just sunflowers I think. Forget it. I was just imagining.

Soon we came across the Raiden hats!!! These shits are gonna make a break out this summer!

This motherfucker right here be wearing one of those things you put on before an X-Ray. And the dude next to him looks like a Motocross Sumo Gardener. But not me…

Watch me duke, watch me!

note: an old woman laughed with her friend about my steeze and said she was confused for a second. I replied, “All I need is a light bulb in there and everything will be fine”. Stacey later told me that they weren’t lamp shades and they were actually food covers! Dammit, I’m an idiot! The elderly win yet again!

Later we saw something that hit closer to home.

Keep ya head up, thun.

Peace, Incarcerated Scarfaces.

If I was Massari, I would be up in Ikea. They got nuff bottles for the poppin’. Seen?

Whoa.

You’ll never guess who we ran into next yo…..

SNUFALUFAGUS up in Ikea yo!!! In ETOBICOKE!!!! WWHAAAAAT. Sesame Street reppin’!
Big shout out to my man Oscar. I be hella Grouchy these days.

That’s what it looks like when my wife gets pissed and walks away from me. Or when I do shit like pull my dress shirt through my open fly and walk around saying, “What?! Is there something in my teeth? What?” Lol. She loves me. So I hear.

Aight, dopest part of the trip. Ikea actually has Hybrid parking spots! Kudos from me, Ikea!!

I’m feeling the Hybrid spot and all, but you’re telling me if I’m in a wheelchair a motherfucker with 2 fully functional legs is getting a closer spot than me?!! And then some kids in strollers is up next?! Damn… the world ain’t right ya’ll. But Ikea sure is trying.

Overall today was incredibly difficult. I know I’m making a ton of jokes and shit, but I’m going crazy inside. This BWE is killing me and working 60hr weeks is really breaking me down. I don’t know how I’m not about to go to bed with a broken hand or at least 5 beers on that cheat counter. We’re doing this shit to prove a point ya’ll, whether you catch it or not.

Gold Medal move of the day: Los gets offered by some random girl to go to a bar owned by a friend of hers for some drinks with her friends - for free. That motherfucker DECLINED! Gaaatdamn.

Don’t worry Los, we’re getting fucked up when this shit is over yo!!!

DAY TWENTY RESULTS:
Day Twenty Weight: 167.6 lbs.
Emotionally: The worst I’ve felt in months.
Appearance: I fit in a medium Club Monaco jacket today. Figure that one out.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 100 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

Damn, sorry for the late post ya’ll but there was a ton of shit goin’ on today.

First up: TheMeaningOfDope.com is officially one of the dopest blogs on the come up right now. We’re getting emails with shit like, “Your Website is My New Religion” in the subject line, messages like, “I had to drop a line to let you guys know that you might have the illest blog in the history of blogs…” and have been cosigned by, Eskay from NahRight.com, Vinnie from Naughty By Nature, Doodlebug of Digable Planets, Alchemist, and most recently, Elliott Wilson. Get your Google on right about now for that motherfucker.

Secondly: I had my appointment with the shrink today. It felt how all the other ones growing up felt - like I knew what I had to do and say, and they all seemed to learn from the same book. Terribly repetitive. Who knows about a return visit.

Thirdly: So many birthdays today it’s crazy. A big shout to my childhood homey Mikey, my cousin Vincent, my brother T-RexXx, and my big sister Zaki, all celebrating birthdays today. I ended up hanging out with Zaki and a few friends tonight, hence the late post.

Overall, the day should have been great but was unbelievably confusing. My mind is in a spiral and needs freedom of some sort that I can’t find at any turn. I’m realizing more and more that sometimes we need vices, not to escape to, but to arrive at. We need them to give ourselves a separate destination to focus on rather than the ones that we are all chasing - singing careers, design careers, scholastic endeavors, and hitting quotas. When we are consistently on the trip we never feel like hitting the gas is worth it, and sometimes it’s nice to have a full tank while you’re idling.

I am dying for a glass of wine. 11 more days to go.

DAY NINETEEN RESULTS:
Day Nineteen Weight: 167.0 lbs.
Emotionally: The pits.
Appearance: I’m definitely slimmer. The clothes are looking different and the comments have been coming in heavy. Is 165 lbs in the near future???
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 10 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

Today was one of the first days where I felt like my body was starting to reward me for not drinking any beer. My clothes fit better, my comfort level was through the roof, and I think some ladies were checking out my ass, (I later found out that those ladies were actually friends of mine, and those friends of mine were actually wondering what the embroidery on my shorts was about. Ah well).

The numbers on the scale seem to be peaking at 167 and 168, and I really haven’t noticed too much of a change in my face. It seems to be staling out, but I think where the greatest test is is seeing if I can make it through without cheating.

Today I had some very intense conversations with people whom I adore. I can’t share everything in my life, but I’ll say this -

You have made me proud
have never let me down.
Your wings can’t span these cages
but thank goodness they’ve never had you bound.

I’m blessed by amazing people.

Believe me, I needed a pint after this nearly 2 hour conversation of the greatest honesty I’ve felt in a very, very, very long time.

Love at you. Yeah, you…
be.

DAY EIGHTTEEN RESULTS:
Day Eightteen Weight: 167.6 lbs.
Emotionally: Rollercoastering.
Appearance: Feeling a lot more slender today than a few days ago. I think I might be onto something.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 9 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

I got a text message today from someone who will remain unnamed. The message commented on how I was very much responsible for ruining this individual’s perception of love and being loved.

It did affect me.

I’ve written quite a bit about my wrong doings over the years, but have always found it difficult to speak about the abusive relationship I carried on a while back with a former girlfriend of mine. It fucked with me a lot. It also evidently fucked with her.

Most of the arguments that we had with one another involved alcohol. Most days after I was done work at HMV, I’d head over to the bar in the shopping mall and buy a Caesar and a “Casey’s Size”, which was a 32 or 38 oz mug of beer. That would start off the night that generally would end up spiraling downward from there. Some nights we’d go home and things would be great. Some other nights we’d find something to argue about and make up at some point. And then there were nights that just got out of hand. My insecurities and jealousy would lead to me asking questions of her that weren’t appropriate or reasonable to be asking someone you truly trust and care about, her heated temper would lead to the same type of behavior, or a general tension between the two of us. And there were nights when pushing and shoving turned into me throwing her to the ground. There were nights when I would try to avoid her pulling on my clothes and grabbing at me and it became a tug of war that I didn’t want to be a part of. There were nights where the car ended up on the neighbor’s lawn while we fought one another in the front seats. Some days we kicked and screamed speeding down the highway. I’d slam the car in park at 120 km/h with my door open and seatbelt off. Most nights we were madly in love again. And one night I slit my wrist in front of her.

There are many, many things that I’ve done in my life that I regret terribly. There are things that I don’t even remember doing until I’m reminded by friends of mine. “Do you remember when you spat in that dudes face”? “Do you remember when you jacked that bitches purse and found out it was our homey’s girlfriend”? “Do you remember putting the cigarette to that dudes eye in the parking lot”? “Do you remember kicking that kids ribs in”? “Do you remember jumping that motherfucker you couldn’t knock out”?

I don’t… not everything. Not all of it. And I’m sorry.

I don’t like to make excuses since I’d rather find reasons, and there’s reasons why I hate kids who get everything from their parents, there are reasons why I hate motherfuckers who swear they’ve got it hard, there’s a reason why I don’t like motherfuckers who sell drugs and don’t need to, and there are reasons why I don’t trust anybody. What I think I need you all to know is that there are reasons why I’ve done everything I have, and while not all of them are justifiable, all of them are at the very least, my most honest explanations for my actions.

I am honestly sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt anyone. I am not proud of the person that I was, but I am proud to say that I have become the person that I am now. To know that this individual still feels the affects of something that happened so long ago, after years of separation, and 3 occasions of us speaking thoroughly about the situations after the fact, is bothersome. I never meant to burden anyone. I never meant to transfer my own pains and frustrations into the same type of abuse and mental and emotional turmoil that my father and family put me through. And I hate that I feel like I have propelled a cyclical behavior that I have sworn my whole life to not perpetuate.

I am not an abusive person in action, although I am an aggressive motherfucker by nature. I am in a relationship now with a lady who saw me fight an innocent civilian, fight two police officers, and get fucked up by another 6 of them once I was in custody. She knew I was fucked up and didn’t even give me an ultimatum, she just left. She had no reason to justify staying with someone who had a personality like mines and decided it was time to dip. Her absence made me respect her more. Her ability to say that her safety and her wellbeing was more important than the risk she would be taking in loving me was what made me change my life finally. It made me stay home for 4 months on house arrest and work. It made me go sober cold turkey for over a year and half and go to those AA meetings in them churches. And it restructured my thoughts on how to love someone.

I always said that it bothered me that my homies, (most of which have deadbeat dads, dad’s who beat them, or dad’s who are dead), always claimed that they didn’t know how to treat a girl well because they were raised by wolves, they didn’t know how to be good fathers because their dads were never around, or they didn’t see the importance of fidelity since their fathers weren’t faithful to their mothers. These are what I consider excuses. If you are aware of someone’s actions and are able to distinguish between right and wrong, and you still continue to choose wrong, then you are the only person to blame for not stepping away and making a change. All of these motherfuckers should know how to not treat a woman, they should know what it takes to be a bullshit dad, and they should know what infidelity has done to their mothers, and should not be actively putting someone else through the same. I actively did this in my relationship with this girl, and while I do take full responsibility for my actions, I cannot take full responsibility for her choice to stick around. I just hope that she knows now what not to take from her current better half, and will know better than to stick around at the risk of her own wellbeing.

I would do anything to take back the harmful things I have done to countless people in my life, most of which never knew my name or why I was doing what I was doing to them. Unfortunately, this isn’t realistic. I don’t live by the same rules that I lived by 10 years ago, and I don’t feel like I should still be judged on things that were acted on while I was in an entirely different setting and head space. I do understand people’s frustrations towards me. Fully. But if there’s anything I can say of my actions it’s this:

If what I have done to you has at any point made you question the type of person you are, if the circumstances under which you remember me are such that your respect for me will forever be one of low value, if your life has been so consumed by an incident or number of incidents that I was the aggressor in and your sense of self security and faith in this world has suffered because of it, than at least remember me for that. At least remember me for the example of what not to be or find yourself around. Use me as the model for the negative citizen, the inconsiderate bystander, the aggressive thief, the obnoxious fuck, the afternoon drunk, or the abusive boyfriend for that matter, and make a lesson out of me. You deserve more than your past. And your past deserves more attention than an individual who may have done something to fuck it up.

I publicly apologize, from the deepest part of my chest. I apologize.
What more can I say…

DAY SEVENTEEN RESULTS:
Day Seventeen Weight: 168.0 lbs.
Emotionally: All over the place. Happy this morning, a little down this evening. Now I’m just exhausted.
Appearance: “You look slim. It’s probably all that beerlessness” - Ashley
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 2 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

Well this here marks the halfway point. Halftime. I think ya’ll deserve a stretch and a cold refreshment for all of your attention and support, so go get yourself a hot dog and glass of something chilly that makes your eyes a little watery, it’s on me.

I gotta say, I knew I would make it through this far, but I wasn’t expecting my homey Los to do it. We’ve had these talks for the longest time. “Let’s quit drinking”, “Let’s try to cut down”. The shit never works. So when he said that he’d be willing to join in on the BWE with me I didn’t know what to think. Apparently he wasn’t bullshitting.

I caught up with him and Vic today at LiveStock while I stepped through to pick up the last of the Limited Release “T.O. Don’t Love U” tees and trust me, it would have been nice to celebrate the shirt sales with a pitcher or two of Rickard’s White and some nachos. But instead they bounced to the west, west end, and I headed off to the other LS.

There’s already talks as to what the next experiment will be and what’s gonna happen when the month is over, so I’m ’bout to let ya’ll in on what the ideas are. First off, I’m thinking that the next experiment, health permitting, will be the 3HundredHundred Experiment. This is where I do 300 crunches and 100 push up’s a day for a month to see what the results are. Hopefully that’ll remedy this baby I’ve been carrying in the midsection and beef up the melted candle look I’ve got going on. Who knows? The biggest concern right now is if my right arm will hold up considering my past injuries and the ongoing issues with it, but trust me, if I can do it, I’ma do that shit, and I’d suggest some of ya’ll get in on it with me!

As for the last day of the BWE? Well we might just have to document that one for you. I think it’ll be an event. ;)

Thanks again for your support thus far. Stay tuned for more from The Beer Weight Experiment.

Peace.

DAY SIXTEEN RESULTS:
Day Sixteen Weight: 169.8 lbs.
Emotionally: I had a great day with my daughter and a good morning with my lady. I couldn’t ask for much more.
Appearance: I think my belly’s coming back just to taunt me.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 4 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

Today, (Saturday), I had a date with the wife. It’s been a while since I’ve stepped away from work and work related goings-on to chill and spend some quality time with her, and as low key as it was, it was a helluva good time that I definitely needed.

Sorry about the short update and the late post for last night, but I wasn’t about to ruin the evening for the sake of blogging.

Day 16 results to follow…

DAY FIFTEEN RESULTS:
Day Fourteen Weight: 169.4 lbs.
Emotionally: I’m feeling good today, sort of coming to terms with this E.T. belly.
Appearance: I lined up my forehead too high, so I look like The Rock. NOT a good look.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 4 out of 10. A beer or glass of wine would have been nice with dinner tonight.
Cheat Beers: 0

Aight, I know this is hella, hella late, but as I said yesterday, I went to Shuffle for the T.O. Don’t Love U x 1 Love T.O. x Starting From Scratch shit.

Lemme start this off by saying this - Starting From Scratch is a machine. The set that he played last night was one of the dopest I’ve heard at any party, and believe me, if there was just a little bit more room on that stage, I’m sure you woulda caught myself and the big homey Bryan Brock doing a routine a la Blake and his boys at one point. The shit was bananas.

Aside from that, the whole camp was representing lovely last night with them Ideall Clothing T.O. Don’t Love U tees. Respect to everyone up in there repping for TheLegendsLeague, you already know what it is. A big shout out to Future The Prince, coming through in the T.O. Don’t Love U crew neck. Scratch, I got you on the next run my dude.

After leaving Shuffle, me and Los headed off to The Parkdale Drink to show some love to my homey Josh for his birthday, and to my long time friend, DJ Nana, who was celebrating the release of his album “The World Inside My Head: Vol. 3″, which may just have the last design I do for anyone outside of TheLegendsLeague related work for a long time, (pictured above). The vibe seemed crazy dope, but it was too much for me to handle without a drink, so we quickly boogied outta there after buying a bottle of water and speaking with our dude Safari about some thangs. Large up Safari, I see you dog.

While waiting for the streetcar we ran into Pooky. If you’re from Toronto and you’ve been in the Hip-Hop scene for a while, you probably know who Pooky is. He coaxed us into going over to Wrongbar for a second to check a TopShelfMotherFucker party that was sponsored by LiveStock. We got up in there and that shit reminded me of the old afterhours spots we used to hit up - hot as hell, where you could breathe in someone else’s sweat, and the floor had that slippery sweatbeer feel to it. I fucking love that shit. But only when I’m drunk - so we dipped.

By the time we got home we had paid for 3 cabs, 2 bottles of water, and ZERO beers, motherfuckers. ZERO.

If my arms weren’t so fat I’d pat myself on the back.

Highlight of the Night: We get back to my gates and Los asks me, “Where’s the scale”? I point to it and he steps on…. (drum rolllllll)…. it reads, “176.0″.

baahahahahahaa… “You’re fat, dude”.

I jump on… and it reads, “176.0″. AHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHHAHH What the fuck?!!!!! Just goes to show you guys, be weary of when you’re weighing yourselves. I weigh myself every morning for the BWE, and the difference was pretty big. Don’t get down on yourself about a few pounds here and there. Feel good and keep doing your thing - the numbers don’t really matter.

DAY FOURTEEN RESULTS:
Day Fourteen Weight: 170.2 lbs.
Emotionally: In a good mood. Remix has been going really well. Ideall has been doing really well. And Segal hasn’t been half bad. Have I mentioned that TheMeaningOfDope has also been killing it? Man.. life is good right about now..
Appearance: My belly is fat man. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not going down. I’m just a fatty, I guess.
Level Of Temptation To Cheat: 6 out of 10.
Cheat Beers: 0

Whattup people,

I just wanted to extend an advanced apology to everyone who’s been on the page daily keeping tabs on the BWE, but tonight I’ll be at Revival for The Shuffle Party with Starting From Skratch and my family, Won-by-One.

If you’re in Toronto, I’d suggest you NOT miss this.

That being said, the BWE installment will be delayed until tomorrow AM.

Much love at ya’ll.
Peace.
be.