Some Shit I Wrote on 09.29.14

by be.

I needed a mother so I looked for a woman. Both of those things aren’t fair but most things aren’t as I seem to always find out. The funny thing about being a son is it’s hard to grow up thinking nobody’s world revolves around you although even when you’re grown you shouldn’t think that either. Sometimes I just need space and others I just want ether or someone to listen to me when I’m just trying to get over. Or trying to stay sober. Trying to stay motivated and not do coke. Trying to not drink soda and it doesn’t help that I smoke. So I was driving the other day through my feelings through a field and was thinking that I haven’t seen my father in forever. Well, not in months at least and that’s at least a little better than my friends who’ve never seen theirs and my other friends whose dads are dead. But when some people reach out we might connect but I’m never touched. Those close to me tell me to give them both a second chance and while I get it, it seems I’ll never really get it quite enough to give a fuck. Because I can’t get it out of my head that he gave up. Or that she lied to keep herself safe at my expense. So while I may still be their son I don’t feel like I have parents and the last thing I want from them is for us to carry on like we’re just friends. Because we sure as hell aren’t. I needed a father but never looked anywhere for one and I needed a mother so I looked for a woman. To be honest I think I only needed to feel valued by someone. Someone that I valued as much as I deserved to feel. And so they’ll look for their son and they won’t find shit. A handshake maybe, or a click when I finally answer that call from a number from Jersey. And I promised myself my woman would never feel how I’ve felt my whole life. Being wronged doesn’t make wronging right no matter who hurt me. And when they’re gone I’m sure all of this will feel absurd.

- Bryan 'be.' Espiritu