Q&A: Charon from California via Maryland

Q:

What makes you hold on and not let go when times are rough? Who/What saves you from you?

- Charon from California but now in MD

A:

This is a good question, especially for new readers of my blog and followers of my work who may not be too familiar with my ’story’ so to speak.

I’ve had a long history of depression and have attempted suicide on 4 occasions: Twice, I overdosed on over the counter painkillers, and twice I’ve cut my wrist, although one time was not serious at all. But beyond those suicide attempts, (and sometimes scarier), I’ve hurt myself on plenty of occasions. I have cigarette burns and knife wounds across my arm going back as far as when I was 13 years old, some serious in physical nature, some not. But what all of them have in common is their relevance to me ‘not letting go’.

This is not to say that that’s how I deal with things when times are rough. That’s just how I was accustomed to dealing with them. But having experienced what I have, I’ve learned the importance of staging my stresses out, and reacting accordingly in order to deal with it as much as I can.

Staging Your Stress
It’s really important when you’re feeling vulnerable or less than capable to deal with the weight of the world to understand that there’s stages to your responses to stress. You don’t automatically hold a gun and kill someone. You think about picking the gun up, you pick up the gun, you point the gun, you pull the trigger. This is the same with your reactions to the stresses of life.

Something stressful doesn’t happen and then your brain explodes with emotion. No. It happens, you have an immediate response which is usually tension and stress, fight or flight, and then… you dictate the next move.

Water Balloon Outlets
When things get difficult for me, I’m fortunate to have creative outlets to voice them through. I write. I design. But I think the most important thing is that I communicate. If you think about your emotions like water and your body and mind as a vessel for these emotions, it’s easier to understand that you’re bound to overflow and lose your ability to retain them all with composure. But the reality is that some of your structural build up is constricted with stress and tension, giving your ‘vessel’ less room to retain your feelings with control. By having outlets and communicating your emotions or ridding yourself of that stress and tension, you can do 1 of 2 things, and hopefully both.

The release of stress and tension through yelling and screaming and punching walls and kicking doors OR more productively, working out (or having sex), will allow you to relax enough to remove the constriction of your body and give you more of a capacity for your emotions. Make sense? It’s like squeezing a water balloon. The constriction will eventually make it burst. The release will allow for the water to be held comfortably.

And then there’s your outlets. Since I design and write, these are my main outlets for when times get rough. And they’re basically new vessels for me to pour the remaining emotions out into and subsequently share through my artwork and creativity. This is as productive as it gets in my opinion, because I’m not only dealing with the issues, I’m showing others that they’re not necessarily alone in their struggles.

Plain Old Love
My strongest reason for not attempting suicide ever again is my daughter. Plain and simple. I have plenty of mental instabilities and emotional problems, but if I succumb to them, I’m giving her the example that that’s how to deal with those issues and struggles.

My dad was abusive. What he taught me was to deal with issues by hurting others, and to get what you want through physical punishment of those around you. So I carried those lessons out in the school yard, in the public, and as I got older, it resulted in a handful of assault charges, the occasional restraining order, and the end of relationships and friendships. I started to realize my responsibility to not continue what I had learned, but not until recently did I realize that my own actions towards hurting myself could be creating new lessons and cycles for my daughter. And I don’t want this. So, often just thinking about her and knowing I need to be strong and alive and motivated for her sake keeps me going. She’s a star and I do my best to give her every reason and lesson to shine.

My girlfriend is another source for me to stay strong, but also acts as a great outlet for me to communicate what brings me down. In a relationship, retaining your stresses applies stress to your partner as well, and in a healthy relationship just being honest about what you’re going through allows problems and struggles to actually end up being resolved rather than pent up emotions. This applies to personal stress as well as relationship issues, and my girlfriend is incredibly supportive and helpful in both cases.

Lastly, there’s you guys. I know, it sounds stupid. But I feel like I’ve done so much sharing with my supporters that if I were to succumb to my struggles I would be letting you all down and not making the most of my life and potential. There is so much more that I want to do, and share, and write about and create before I die, and the thought of these things and how they may help 1 or 100,000 people in their lives motivates me so much. It’s a poetic response to a very real question, but it’s 100% genuine. What you guys provide for me is a great sense of hope and a great deal of support when I feel the world crumbling around me and overhead. And when I’m able to share thoughts and experiences, my hope is that in some instances I can be the same for you.

Thanks for the question and the long standing support Charon. I appreciate it a lot.
LLove&Above,
be.

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