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Fully Wholly Collection: You Know, Back Home?

by be.

BackHome_wholly_title

Fully Wholly Collection: You Know, Back Home?
written and illustrated by Bryan Espiritu.

This collection of Fully Wholly’s is reflective of my lack of knowledge of my cultural roots. Each section of the poem breaks down cliché thoughts and stereotypes that have trapped my acceptance of the Philippines and it’s people since I was a child. The unapologetic statements are illustrated in each Fully Wholly character and are a sad yet very honest example of the separation that occurs when a lack of education collides with the blunt end of the cultural stick. Although the language and tone is sensitive, completing this collection is representative of a release of these ideas and an openness to what may become of my long overdue trip back “Home”.

The accompanying poem goes as follows:

You Know, Back Home?

You know, Back Home?
It’s where your ‘nanay’ prays,
And her mom does the same
Because their sons are gay.

You know, Back Home?
Kids blow thin balloons,
And your ‘lolo’ eats rice
With his hands and spoon.

You know, Back Home?
It’s mostly dirt and mud.
The ‘baboy’ gets drained
For the pudding blood.

You know, Back Home?
Your ‘tatay’ belts for fun,
And the FOBs wonder where
All the rage is from.

You know, Back Home?
Is just an ocean stain,
3 stars and a sun
For a rope and chain.
Too far for a home
And too close to shame.
Your “Back Home”
Is not a home I can claim.

Yet nothing dies
Without the proof
Of its remains.
























What’s a Wholly?

A “Wholly” is a stylized character who is composed of a base or shell that generally has 4 holes in it. Those 4 holes provide me with endless possibilities to solving graphic problems. I use the base or shell as a canvas to create the character, and the holes to act as ports to extensions of the character.

www.FullyWholly.com

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The Back Story
As soon as I got home from a months stay in California back in June (2009), I took my first opportunity to stroll by Kapisanan, the Philippine Cultural Center located in Kensington Market here in Toronto to see if I could connect with some individuals in the spot. My homies Arowbe and JR (aka Alexander The) are frequently in the space from what I know, creating music and vibing with people dropping in and out, and after speaking with my family in the Bay Area about my dad’s parents a little bit, I didn’t feel such a harsh disconnect from my Filipino roots, and I was actually stoked to drop by and see some people and chop it up.

Unfortunately there weren’t many people in the office at the time, just a couple of folks quietly working at their computers. But the one person who I was actually wanting to see very much was in the space. Her name is Caroline Mangosing. A couple of years back, Caroline and I had a little bit of a falling out regarding my complete distaste and disregard for Filipino’s and the culture that I was so separated from. I have a deeply brewed hatred for the spoiled brat mentality, the “I have it so hard” bullshit talk, and the types of people, both Filipino and otherwise, whose family lives were anything other than the type of environment I had to come up in from age 12 and up.

Before I was 12, my father, like many others, was beating me. But what started as him hitting me with his hands and slapping me around, became him beating me with belts, pieces of wood from his tool shed in our basement, having me hold stacked books with my arms out like a crucifix while I knelt on the ground, and beating me naked while I lay on my face on a huge wooden table. Things got progressively violent, and one morning he choked me until I lost consciousness. Within 2 days, the police, Children’s Aid, youth centers and doctors from across the city, became my authority figures, and the idea of family ruptured very quickly as my mother, even to this day, denies knowing any of these things were occurring.

While still living in the same house as my parents and sister, (who was never subject to the same treatment as my father told me years later), I was definitely still widely exposed to many aspects of Filipino culture. But seeing mistreatment and abuse in centers and hospitals from a young age begins to give you a brewing dislike for happiness. You become vengeful against completely innocent people. And because my experiences with my father were quickly referred to as “what people do in your culture” by many of the authorities dealing with me, I only knew to dislike his culture altogether, regardless of who it involved.

I never identified myself with any Filipino community. I never had a group of Filipino friends, I never dated a Filipino girl (one was half.. but she didn’t look like it and that’s why I approached her. lol), and I’ve never found a sense of pride in my blood heritage. But Christine always urged me to learn more, to get involved more, and on almost every occasion that I saw her, she would tell me something new or put me on to a new event. So on the day that I dropped into Kapisanan, she explained to me that there was going to be an art show called Kultura that she wanted me to be involved in. The theme for the curated show was “Back Home”, a term that many Filipino parents use for referencing the Philippines.

Even with our past being as it was, my relationship with my father now is amazing. I love him very much and we’ve discussed everything that has happened between us. There are no grudges, no ill feelings, no distrust, and no questions about who we are to one another. Yet while I’ve been able to come to closure with my feelings about him, I haven’t been able to do the same with my thoughts about Filipino culture. I looked at this collection as a means for me to rid myself of all the final burdens I’ve held in the past. It was an opportunity to let out my thoughts and frustrations visually and in writing and have them seen in a center specifically for the people of the Philippines, and admired for their honesty.

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Thanks for taking the time to check them out. If you do blog them, please refer back to the posts Original Link and give proper credit.

Love&Respect as usual,
be.


- Bryan 'be.' Espiritu