The BS of My Life / P90X: Day 60 Results

I just completed the second Phase of P90X and have arrived at the 60 day mark of my BS of My Life / P90X Project. First of all, I am definitely happy that I’ve made it to this point. I feel that a lot of people underestimate the difficulty of this program and also the dedication required to make it through it. I don’t know anyone who has made it this far, and that alone has given me drive to continue and see this through until the end. But that’s just 1 half of this “BS of My Life” Project. The other half is focused on my self improvement and on my shedding the unnecessary elements of my life so that I can give myself clear goals and a clear runway for the plans I have for the back end of 2009 and going into 2010. This, admittedly, has been more difficult than the working out and dieting combined.

When I started P90X, I think my girlfriend, as supportive as she is, was a little bit thrown back by how frequently I was talking about the program and how involved I was getting. I was pretty over the top with the mention of the workouts and what was involved, and I even found myself talking about it to a point that I was annoying myself. But the reality was that there was nothing else going on in my life outside of this workout regime. My workload had been really stripped and I wasn’t working on my portfolio as I had planned. So it seemed like the only thing that was ever happening to me was related to exercising and doing the P90X DVDs. At this point in the program it’s hard not to have to discuss the project with people who are my friends, who follow the blog, or are on my twitter and facebook. I do enjoy speaking about it with people who are making plans to get on the program because I love to hear people get excited about improving their self esteem and physical and mental health through exercise. But I am also very tired. I am exhausted. And it is wearing on me very badly. So speaking about it sometimes becomes frustrating because it’s as if everyone thinks that this thing is a piece of cake until they give it a shot.

Over the past 30 days I noticed that my weight loss was slowing down as my body adjusted to the diet and the workouts, but I was still progressively losing weight. To illustrate the weight loss, I put my LOWEST weight of the week on my weekly updates, but this is not necessarily the weight that I may be sitting at on the 7th day of the week. For instance, right now I weigh 161lbs, but my lowest weigh-in this week was 157lbs. I do this to prove to people who are thinking about losing their unwanted weight that it is possible with determination and focus, exercise and proper dieting. But I’m feeling really frail, even with more definition. I wake up some mornings and can physically feel that I’m sitting at 158lbs. I wake up on other mornings and know that I’m 161. I can say that my body has never looked like this before, but I can also say that I would like it to look and feel a little bit better. My goal now has become to gain back muscle mass and sit comfortably at 165lbs without adding excess weight in food and water. This will be a real test considering I’ve only got 1 month to go, but that’s the type of thing I use as fuel to continue to push myself. (note: I’ve gained a pretty clear awareness that your weight in numbers should not dictate whether you think you are healthy or not. Consider what day to day activities have become uncomfortable or difficult and use those as guides to whether you need to focus on your weight and/or daily exercise a little more. Just saying.)

Since my last major update there’s been a lot that’s happened. A couple of potentially life changing projects have arisen and I have a new passion and drive for myself as an artist. I have embraced my writing as a professional skill, I have explored my mind as the platform for new creative outlets that I have been afraid of in the past, and I have tackled my creative integrity in the face of dollar signs. These are important advancements in my life, personally. And I’m grateful that I am experiencing them. But as I’m feeling growth in my creative world, I am feeling pain in other aspects of my life. My heart has been tested in ways that it’s never been tested before. My mind has struggled with my surroundings and my morals and values. And I have felt the scope of my focus slim and with that, have felt an attention shift in the moves that I make – something that is potentially detrimental to IdeallClothing, but necessary for Bryan Espiritu. I am basically living in a Catch 22 every day. And it’s getting to me.

I know what I need in my life, but I am afraid to make it happen. I know that there is excess baggage, but I’m afraid to cut the cord. But during all of this confusion I always think of those whom I look up to. I consider the individuals who I admire, and I realize that the public eye has never even taken a glimpse at those people for a fraction of the time that they have admired the work that they have created. And that’s the type of lifestyle I need to live. I don’t need to be Diddy. I don’t want to be Diddy. But I also don’t wanna be an office nobody. I want my work and passions to be appreciated. I want my honesty to be embraced. And I want what I have to offer to be something of value to those who need it in their lives.

I feel that my openness is easily confused with weakness or frailty. And to me, this is laughable, but also a bit confusing. I keep shit real. As real as it fucking gets. But what I will never do is create a definition of the word “Real” by the actions of a Majority World overrun by actors and frauds. That definition of real comes from an activity booklet of How-To’s, whereas my idea of real comes from honesty, integrity, loyalty, and compassion. But here’s the thing. I know that within my circle of acquaintances that reality exists. I am just so overwhelmed by the sight of everything else that I can’t shake the scene. And this is where the last leg of this project is gonna require a lot of focus.

With all of the bouts with exhaustion and fatigue that the physical aspects of these last 60 days have presented, my mental and emotional strength has also depleted. I’ve really bit off a lot more than I was expecting when trying to simultaneously pressure my mind and body into really extreme levels of change. And I’m going to need to remain driven and passionate about where my life needs to be in order to tackle each and every present moment task and obstacle that I find myself in front of. I have plans. But those plans need to be attempted before I can say they are successes, or failures for that matter.

There are 30 more days left in my head start to the end of my 20’s. And I need to make this happen how I see it in my heart in order to feel fulfilled.

Thank you for all your support along the way. I have always, and will always appreciate it greatly.

Love&Respect as usual,
be.

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Here are my Day 1 – Day 30 – Day 60 Before and After photos:

Day 1: 177lbs.

Day 30: 165lbs.

Day 60: 157lbs.
(Yes, that’s a new IdeallClothing toque for 2009/2010)

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Welcome To The Legends League.

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