Funeral For A Friend…
by be.
I came to a rather disturbing, yet oddly soothing realization yesterday about my life. And while I have been fighting with myself to not succumb to the thought as I am so accustom to, I cannot help but think that it has in fact allowed me to gain some satisfaction in everything that I have done, and everything I may choose to do from here on out. That realization was that I was not put in this world to be the best at anything. And because of that I need to rid my mind of the thought that I will ever be the best at anything I do. Maybe my purpose has been to fail, to be the image of what could have been, so that the great potential in those who will attempt the same after me can be realized.
Being surrounded by so many incredible talents, I look at what I have been able to do with myself in a slumped shame. Maybe my jadedness is a result of my failures. Maybe my seclusion is the manifestation of this subconscious realization my whole life that I’m not what I have thought I was capable of being, and I’m really just the first mouse. Testing the trap. Leaving the cheese. And being left behind while the maze continues.
I am forever inspired and continue to watch the world happen. But I am yet to feel attached to it.
Since I was young I have fantasized about my funeral. What I want it to look like, how I want it to sound. And last night while scurrying through old work that I am ashamed of, I listened to Sigur Ros’ album “( )”, and the first song sounded like my dreams of my funeral. I paced in my kitchen while my girlfriend was fixing herself up my bathroom and I saw it all happen how I’ve always dreamed. Friends half smiled while the song played and my casket was slowly walked from the alter to the outside. I was smiling while I listened to this, realizing it was the original song from one of the tracks on TheLegendsLeague V3. Til Infinity compilation I made. The verb I had used next to the song – “Unite”.
I walked to the bathroom and said:
“Can you please make sure that at my funeral, when they take me outside in my casket, that this song is playing?”..
I hope someone makes sure of this. Just to maybe complete the dream a little bit.
Welcome To TheLegendsLeague.
- Bryan 'be.' Espiritu
Knock on wood, if this day ever comes while Im still awake, I shall have it played.
But Im hoping to never see that day…as naive as that sounds.
Ill have to think of another song that to play in my mind too. Our brother hood is something I value more than I could ever tell you…especially in person. A piece of me would die too.
Interestingly, I imagine my death all the time. Who will show up…who wont? Who would show up unexpectedly…will they cry? will they regret not being there for me in my ending years? Will they feel bad because they treated me wrong? because they never said sorry? Because they never made that time for me? The ones who wished they met me…for whatever reason…
We live in life, but dream in death.
ps. failure is a relative…you are the most inspirational person in my life.
If you feel that you’ve failed in every other aspect…just know you succeeded in this one.
Shift. Left arrow. Delete.
that song is beautiful, sad and so many other things all at the same time.
i know it’s annoying when you feel a certain way and someone else (who might not understand how you feel) tells you different… but be, not a failure – at all.
i like this post. i dig the honesty. and if i’m being honest, i too have fantasized about my funeral. not in a morbid way, more so pertaining to the little details and folks in attendance. the relevance of my existence. stuff like that. the song playing changes through the years though. p.s the works i keep that i’m ashamed of remind me why i chose to get better at my craft in the first place. personally i think being the best never did anyone any good. why create a limit. :) i dunno, thats just me.
i haven’t stopped listening to sigur rós.