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My Thanks: Heartbeats

by be.

(Repeat may be very necessary.)

I was introduced to Jose Gonzalez by my good friend, Gavin Sheppard – my brother, whom I miss very, very much. This song has since been the conversation piece and background for talks at work with my boss, friend, and mentor, Ben Shirinian, and the motivation to go see Jose perform live with my old friend, David Guenette. (We missed the show, Dave. But we’ll enjoy the view from the crowd sometime in the near future). It is a song that makes me think about old friendships that I wish to revisit, a new brotherhood with my boy, William Nguyen, and the growth that has come from my relationship with my lady, and love, Stacey. It’s the song that makes me feel the warmth of sharing laughter with my daughter, Saren-Sol, seeing her grow, and learn, and become the greatest teacher I’ve had. It plays the music that crushes my heart when thinking about Kevin, about crying at his funeral while Andrew held me tight, and sobbed out, “why”, while we watched 4 caskets pass at Josip‘s funeral – his mother, his sister, his father’s funeral, all on that summer afternoon. It is the music of us, at 14 and 15 years old, questioning this world, and again, wondering why our fathers were as they were.. and not like theirs. It speaks to my love for my sister, Zaki Ibrahim – how she has always spoken to me directly, with nods, and stares, on the front porch and rooftop, staring into the ‘why-the-fucks’ of our frustrations and coming out with only this – ‘I need you to remember to love yourself as much as I love you. Okay?’. yes. (say yes). It’s what makes me remember waking up to you, tubes and machines hooking me up to something alive, and you saying – ‘I thought I was never going to see you again. Not like this’. And you won’t. I promise. It’s what makes me saying “I’m glad I don’t have to lie about the good words I put towards him as a man, and I won’t have to lie about missing him” hurt a little more inside. Because I know that is what we all meant. Not only on that afternoon in April, but everyday he was with us. It’s what makes me understand what having Jay around means. And what makes me realize that I may never know Junior again. It is me in your father’s bathroom, on the floor in tears, because Loyan was not just everyone else. It’s me crumbling to the floor when I saw you on the news. When I got the phone call from Jay and said, “….no…..not Mikey“. And when we finally spoke on the phone. I only needed to know that you were okay. It’s what makes me feel young knowing that he’s free, and we grew up side by side.. until I went away at 12, and finally met him. Thank you, Aaron. It’s me saying, “I am sorry”. For the corkscrew in the elevator, the kick in the face in the parking lot, and choking him at the bar. I am sorry. For the crushed ribs, and strangling her on the freeway. For robbing your father because I needed money for alcohol. For stealing his jewellery to run to the pawn shop. And for watching it all turn to dust. I am sorry. It’s what makes me remember the feeling of Chris‘ couch, us sitting, reading poetry that we both knew would someday be published and celebrated by the world. His mother asked us for a sip. And we shared. It’s me walking in the center of the road, tears in my eyes and 2 pints in my hands, and speaking with an officer who was concerned more about how I felt than taking me to jail. It’s not wanting to be home, in thousand dollar outfits, slumped behind fences in back alleys trying to find sleep. It is the music that speaks to the father I now have, who not only raised me with a firm hand, but has learned when change is important, and that truth is what hurts the most – and heals the best. It is the fact that I don’t know what to say of my mother. It helps me remember having a day pass, and you hugging me, crying, and telling me you missed me when they took me back. I love you too. It is us together in the basement. And me walking 5 hours to your house at 11 years old, when you moved. It brings me to every place I need to be when I am looking for inspiration, to every moment that meant anything of influence in my life. And it carries me through every emotion I need it to. But most importantly, it brings me back to you. It is what helps me say, I am sorry, but this is over. Because it doesn’t feel right. It is what helped me say, this needs to begin.. because I am tired of feeling wrong.

When I think of everything that has happened, I am never at a loss to create. I am never at a void or sensation of emptiness. My experiences, my life – it is full. It is the motivation for why TheLegendsLeague is important to me. It is the people, the experiences, the lessons that I have learned, all wrapped into everything I write, draw, design, and present to you.. in hopes that you may be able to learn, relate, but most importantly, share with others. And for this, I am grateful. And I thank you.

Love&Respect as usual,
bryan.

if your name is not mentioned and you feel disrespected, it probably means one of two things – you need to hear it to know that I care, or it should not have been mentioned in the first place. where do you stand?


- Bryan 'be.' Espiritu