I had a rough night last night… a rough whole day.
2 days ago my back started acting up again - to the point where walking was painful, and standing was like putting a spear up my hip from my right thigh. My whole right side has been hell to me over the past 2 or three years. Carpal tunnel in my right forearm led to me not being able to work out anymore, which led to some depression and was later remedied by running. The running led to problems in my right knee and pain in my right foot so bad that I would have to sit on the sidewalk a block away from the Remix office so many times because I couldn’t bare the agony of walking for another 30 seconds to my workplace from the streetcar stop. That pain in my foot was a result of me needing custom orthotic insoles for my feet. $550 later I would have new cushions inside of my sneakers that felt like walking on clouds. Soon I would find out that my whole body and back would need to ‘readjust’ to this seemingly quick fix. The readjustments have been horrendous.
“I couldn’t bare
the agony
of walking…”
I’m fortunate to have some health benefits at my work place that allow me to go for a massage every now and then - something that I think many people look at as a means to relax and feel somewhat pampered. In my case it’s quite different. I go to see a massage therapist for the sake of fixing the problems that I have been suffering with, which often leaves me half broken for 2 days after treatment. The results are fantastic for the next week or so, and then my body begins ‘adjusting’ again.
3 weeks ago I saw a new massage therapist who told me that my right leg is a half inch longer than my left - a common thing apparently. And because of this my joints around my hip put more pressure on my right side when I’m say, walking, or standing, than they do on my left. Hence the spear in the back. This pain has been amplified by the fact that I’m now having to grow accustomed to the changes in my feet with my new orthotics which have made changes in my knees, and changes in my back, and the fucking knee bone’s connected to the hip bone, and yadda fucking yadda.
So what the fuck is the point?!
“I don’t lie on shit
that I’ve done
or people I know,
or money I make,
or any of that other bullshit.”
I’m terrible at a few things. First on that list is lying. I’m not a liar. I don’t lie on shit that I’ve done or people I know, or money I make, or any of that other bullshit. I don’t front - as much as half of these clowns do these days. So it’s no different when my body is in pain. I can’t act like I’m in a fucking jolly go rancher mood because it sucks like hard candy that I’m feeling like a cripple at 27 years old. It’s not worth my headache to put on my best Keanu Reeves and act my way out of the bomb on the bus that’s ticking in my fucking back just waiting for me to explode on someone who pushes me to something irrational. Oh yes. I’ve been known to be irrational.
Everyone loves to remind me of the person I’ve become. How much I’ve changed in the past 4 years. Well thanks. And to the rest of you fucks who annoy the shit out of me on a daily basis, consider yourselves mighty fucking lucky that the 2008 me is far more ‘rational’ than the 2002 me. It’s easy to think that I have the same tolerance for bullshit that most of these bullshit bullshitters do. But remember something, I am fucking restraining myself from the types of shit I’m used to doing - the types of shit that we were accustom to doing for 23 years of our lives with smiles on our faces and jokes coming out in spurts like flowers spitting water out of clown suits. Even when my hair was dreaded and I wore dashikis and drank wine and smoked one papers I still pulled corkscrews on friends of mine who unknowingly aggravated me out of a natural reflex to be defensively offensive. So it is fucking hard. It’s difficult to relearn and readjust to living a particular way. And it’s far more difficult when your body is doing some readjusting of itself that’s putting you in pain enough for you to bite a hole through a slab of marble.
“I am fucking
restraining myself…”
Last night me and my lady were supposed to go to Wonderland to check out Halloween Haunt. Her mother bought us tickets for it for our anniversary. We tried to go last year and ended up leaving early. Why? Because I’m not good at lying. I’m not good at looking around at people who seem to be able to be happy about their lives in a way that makes me think they’ve never seen someone half dead, or been badly beaten, or have had friends die, or have suffered anything that makes life what life to a large extent, is - some real shit that if you’re fortunate enough to make it out of, you deserve the positive portions of it tenfold. So why do people get to enjoy the positives and act so fucking happy go lucky while some of us seem to take the brunt of the minuses?
Yin, meet Yang. Karma’s a hell of a Chameleon. And those trust funds sure do come in handy, don’t they?
“I can’t just
fake it til
I make it…”
Sure, my dad didn’t go to college. He took 8 years to finish high school. Neither of my parents own a home. We were always in debt. But we once lived in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, and I went to a nice, predominantly white school in the west end of Toronto. Yet here I am feeling aggravated by those who didn’t have to see what I feel somewhat forced to have seen coming up. Because of how my dad raised me, because of the centers and hospitals I was in, and because of the insane scenarios I was putting myself through. And I can’t seem to let go of them. I can’t just fake it ’til I make it as much as some of my peoples seem to urge me to do. And so I get aggravated to a point that seeing people amused by life and living and enjoyment of things like a Halloween themed park, makes me wanna freak out, get violent and irrational, and ruin someone’s day.. or their life for that matter. Maybe just to make things feel a little more even.
“You’re not sure
if you should cry
or throw a crowbar
at someone.”
I couldn’t bring it upon myself to try to go out last night, especially not with the pain that had been keeping me in a stink the whole day shooting through my lower back. I feel like had I tried to go to this thing with my girl I would have been risking the same results of last year, only the likelihood of it happening again would be far greater considering my physical state and overall frustration. I had the opportunity to go see my big sister Zaki perform, but knew that I couldn’t even stand for long enough to enjoy the show. So me and Stace just stayed in and ordered Thai.
I woke up this morning still in pain, still down and blurry eyed from that feeling of dizziness you get when your adrenaline is so high you’re not sure if you should cry or throw a crowbar at someone. I know this feeling. And I’ve been known to love it. I just hope that like my back struggling and suffering through the pains and pressures of fixing itself, I can readjust and relearn to live with it all until everything.. and genuinely everything.. not only gets better, but makes for a healthier, and more comfortable level of living.. for the sake of me, and everyone else, I guess.
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